The Gift of Obstacles

What a difference a year makes. This time last year I was just settling into my very first 9 to 5 job as Office Manager of an architecture firm – relieved at the financial stability it afforded me but painfully conscious of the cost it took on my soul – it seemed the culmination of years of struggle and doubt. All those times I’d told myself, “it’s a marathon, not a sprint,” I’d secretly feared the real truth was that the path of acting was not meant to be for me. I had to face the very real possibility that everything I’d worked for, hoped for, and dreamt of might not be the life I was meant to live. I may never be the person I thought I’d be…so I let her go. Today, only 2 months fresh off the heels of my whirlwind, dream-come-true “Wild Swans” adventure in Boston and London, I am sitting in my new apartment in downtown Berkeley after a fantastic first day of rehearsal for the new David Henry Hwang play “Chinglish” – a project that will play at Berkeley Repertory Theatre, South Coast Repertory Theatre, and the Hong Kong Arts Festival in 2013.

How the hell did I get here? Yes, I worked really hard (read about it)…but seriously…how? I’ve been joking that it’s never been a better year to be Chinese but the reality is that even though I did pour all of myself into the work it took to get these jobs, being Chinese IS the reason these opportunities were available to me. The very thing that usually serves as my biggest obstacle is now what’s enabling my dreams to come true. Miraculous, one might think. Ironic, one might say. I think it is TRUTH…one of those funny ones that gently nudge you all your life then, one day, smacks you hard on the back of the head.

I spent all of my teenage years and 20’s fighting against the essential make up of who I am: I am too Chinese to be American, I am too American to be Chinese, I seem too old to play young, and I am too young to play old. I never got the roles I wanted because…well, because I wanted the Caucasian ingénue roles, and let’s face it – I’m never going to be the pretty blonde romantic lead. Each disappointment broke a bit of my heart, and with each rejection I felt suffocated by the things about me I could not change. I fought anyway, pushed harder, and dug deeper. What I didn’t realize was that every time I came toe to toe with who I was NOT, it revealed to me a little bit of who I really AM – beyond what I looked like or what I could play, clarifying what I’m made of and what I’m capable of – it fed my hunger and nurtured my soul. I resented these obstacles – this “Otherness” – when all along it was my meeting them that would awaken me to my true Self. The Self that, at last, came into focus as I let go of the last threads of expectation behind that Office Manager desk. And in the space that opened up…came “Wild Swans”, came “Chinglish”, and the joy of fully realizing the person I CAN be.

***favorite moment of the day: meeting my "Chinglish" family.

22 vs 32

One of the best things anyone ever told me was “Nothing loses you a job quicker than getting sick.” Nursing a sore throat here in the first days of rehearsal, I got to thinking…

I remember when I was 22, consciously being irresponsible felt dangerous and thrilling. I thought nothing of partying after 14 hours of classes/rehearsals/performances, indulging in various substances, even with classes/rehearsals/performances the next day. My teachers told me my body was my instrument but I treated my body like a garbage disposal…because I could. Man, the crap I could get away with! Junk food, no sleep, constantly pushing the boundaries of what I could handle before getting either physically ill or emotionally/mentally drained. I could handle A LOT, so I pushed it A LOT. I confused this kind of boundary pushing with being a grown-up – thinking that being an adult meant I could do whatever I wanted to do.
 

At 32, I am feeling not just the years of this instrument, but also the mileage. Day by day the maintenance work required to keep this puppy running smoothly increases. Forget about the old vices that come with partying – I was smart enough to give those up long ago. I’m talking about the responsible habits that are so hard to acquire and incorporate into daily life: taking my vitamins, staying hydrated, not eating garbage, getting a full night’s sleep, staying fit, protecting my health, and building a vocal and physical warm up into my morning routine. These are not habits that come naturally to me – they are choices I have to work at constantly and consciously. I CHOOSE to get up early for 30 minutes of yoga+warm ups. I CHOOSE to eat a salad instead of fries. I CHOOSE to go home and rest instead of grabbing a pint at the pub. I CHOOSE to turn off the tv or movie and go to sleep. I CHOOSE the responsibility of being 32 over the fun of being 22. Why? Because I like living and I want to keep getting better at it. Turns out growing up actually happens when the things you want to do matches up with the things you NEED to do.

And besides…you know what’s really fun? Being paid to do something you would do for free. You know what else is really REALLY fun? Making your own dreams come true.  

***favorite moment of the day: Cooking dinner while video chatting with Chad.

Not Too Shabby

When producers want you to put all your focus on your work, they put you up in a one bedroom apartment like this so you don't have to worry about small daily bullshit:

Living room with floor to ceiling windows

View from my window

Fully equipped kitchen + Dining area

Bedroom

Bathroom

All this plus free Wi-fi, cable, washer/dryer, and MAID SERVICE every week. This is the life!

***favorite moment of the day: Getting the boxes I shipped from home and drinking tea in my own tea mug.

Giving It All I've Got

I have spent the last 7 years out of school trying to figure out how to be a working actor. The acting part I felt kinda solid about…it was the working part that I couldn’t figure out.

Like any muscle that doesn’t get used, I often feel my acting muscle atrophying. Especially during periods of financial distress (like, say, oh for the last THREE YEARS), I get so wrapped up in anxiety and the pursuit of money that it completely overwhelms my perspective on who I am, what I want…and what I really truly need. Thankfully this past July I lucked into a full-time day job – the first “real” non-freelance office job I’d ever held. Sure, part of me felt like I was pissing all over the tiny flame of freedom I’d fought so hard to hold on to, but a bigger part of me just wanted the peace of mind that comes with routine and (financial) stability. So I took it and the 2.5 hrs of commuting in traffic everyday that it came with. I bitched and moaned, road-raged myself silly, but ultimately came back to the realization that whatever emotions this day job experience was bringing up in me – how I react to it and what I do with it is MY CHOICE (thanks yoga teachings!).

I started paying attention to myself. Somewhere in all the anxiety I’d put myself to the side, and lost contact with the discipline and focus I’d developed as an actor. The routine (and somewhat mindlessness) of my job turned out to be the perfect foundation for the work I needed to do on myself to get myself back in physical and mental shape. Even the cursed traffic was a blessing – inspiring me to go to yoga class after work in order to avoid it. By mid-October I was feeling pretty damn good. I’d even started auditioning for plays again for the first time in over a year. I didn’t get cast, but on those days of audition, I understood for the first time what people meant when they said “it’s 5-10 minutes of your day when you get to act instead of do whatever other mundane things you have to do.” I finally FELT the truth of that statement and learned to love auditioning on a whole new level.

I was trolling actorsaccess at work one day and saw a breakdown for a play called WILD SWANS. My heart skipped a beat – it’s a rare occasion when I see a breakdown calling for strong Chinese females in main character roles for a production of this large a magnitude. I submitted myself online, but for the first time I also asked my agent to find the NY casting director in charge of US casting and pitch the hell out of me to her. That’s how excited I was. I was told to send in a taped audition and warned that if I were to get a callback I’d have to fly to NYC on my own dime. I didn’t hesitate for a second. Per usual, I felt not bad about my taped audition – not great, but not bad. I’d been having this opinion about my work for quite some time, so I was genuinely surprised to get a callback. I kicked my renewed discipline and focus into high gear and prepared to attack this with all my might. I wanted this badly, and gave into the wanting without the measure of self-protecting holding-back that I’d developed out of fear and doubt.

I put all my training and experience to the test on this callback trip. Not just the years spent in school, but everything I’ve learned since graduation about how to take myself and treat myself seriously as an actor. The comfortability in who I am and trust in what I bring to the table could only have been earned through these last years of life struggles bouncing between small creative victories and long artistic droughts. I drew on all of it – all of me – and laid it down. From details like making sure I knew the bios of everyone who was going to be in the audition room to giving myself enough time to get there early, to the big things like doing a full vocal+physical warm up, working the material 5 different ways, and being fully present and at ease at the callback – it all gave me a taste of what it would be like to be a working actor, because I realized the “working” is in the preparation. The “working” allowed me to let go and play – to enjoy my minutes of acting that day – and to walk out of that callback really and truly proud of what I’d done. Not just in my acting, but in the fact that I really let myself go after what I wanted and gave it my BEST shot. The joy I felt on the streets of NYC that day was deep and true – and had NOTHING to do with whether I thought I got the role or not – because it was the joy of realization and reclamation: all I have to do to be a working actor is to keep working for what I want.

I did get the role…and I’m not ashamed to say I teared up when I got the offer. I quit my day job and am dedicated to WILD SWANS for the next 6 months – away from home in London and Boston giving it all I’ve got. 

***favorite moment of the day: video-chatting in bed with Chad.

How we were chosen - Nikita, part III

 The story continues...

(from How we were chosen - Nikita, part I, How we were chosen - Nikita, partII) 

Surely she’ll be gone. Surely her full belly will have given her the energy to follow her curiosity elsewhere. These and other thoughts attempted to quell his nervous anticipation and growing excitement as he biked through the empty lot.

The last time he biked away, he had taken his time returning to the security office of the campus, gathering his things, and clocking out of his shift for the night. It had been a long day and fatigue weighed his every move. A budding longing in his chest also slowed him. Saying good-bye to his best boy Rodeo almost a year ago had left a bleeding hole in his heart, and tonight a faint silhouette of his new green-eyed friend was unexpectedly starting to take shape there. Even as his tender uncertainty tarried his routine, the pins and needles of a waking in his heart told him to take one last ride back to where they’d met. Just in case. Just in case.

A grin spread wide across his face as his eyes sought and found her where he’d left her. Curled up comfortably in the middle of the parking lot, a ball of fur the pupil of a spotlight eye cast by the streetlamp overhead. Exactly where he left her. She had not moved an inch, only settled in wait for his return. She lifted her head as he neared, and welcomed him back with a single scratchy “meow.” “You waited for me, huh?” he chuckled “Well, I guess you’re mine.” She stood, stretched lazily, and looked at him expectantly. “One last thing,” he said, “my car is on the other side of campus...so you’ll have to ride with me on my bike.” Her eyes stayed on him unflinchingly. “Think you can handle it?” She purred in response as he swooped her up in his arms. Astride his bike, he gripped the handlebar with his left hand as he cradled her in his right. Just as a flash of doubt crossed his mind about the achievability of this comic feat, she stuck her front paws out and casually placed them on the handlebars as well. His laughter rang out clear and pure in the still night air. “Okay, then. Here we go.”

Any passerby would have done a double take at the impossible sight of a man and a cat riding a bike together, but for them it couldn't have felt more right. He looked down to see her pink nose lifted and eyes squinted into the wind. “You know, I’ve never had a cat before” he said, and marveled at the way she turned her head and meow-ed in response. In that moment, his heart was full. “Let’s go home, Nikita” he said. And they did.

***favorite moment of the day: snuggling in bed with Chad, Lola, Bella, and Nikita.