What a difference a year
makes. This time last year I was just settling into my very first 9 to 5 job as
Office Manager of an architecture firm – relieved at the financial stability it
afforded me but painfully conscious of the cost it took on my soul – it seemed
the culmination of years of struggle and doubt. All those times I’d told
myself, “it’s a marathon, not a sprint,” I’d secretly feared the real truth was
that the path of acting was not meant to be for me. I had to face the very real
possibility that everything I’d worked for, hoped for, and dreamt of might not
be the life I was meant to live. I may never be the person I thought I’d be…so
I let her go. Today, only 2 months fresh off the heels of my whirlwind,
dream-come-true “Wild Swans” adventure in Boston and London, I am sitting in my
new apartment in downtown Berkeley after a fantastic first day of rehearsal for
the new David Henry Hwang play “Chinglish” – a project that will play at
Berkeley Repertory Theatre, South Coast Repertory Theatre, and the Hong Kong
Arts Festival in 2013.
How the hell did I get
here? Yes, I worked really hard (read about it)…but seriously…how? I’ve been joking that it’s never been a better
year to be Chinese but the reality is that even though I did pour all of myself
into the work it took to get these jobs, being Chinese IS the reason these
opportunities were available to me. The very thing that usually serves as my
biggest obstacle is now what’s enabling my dreams to come true. Miraculous, one
might think. Ironic, one might say. I think it is TRUTH…one of those funny ones
that gently nudge you all your life then, one day, smacks you hard on the back
of the head.
I spent all of my
teenage years and 20’s fighting against the essential make up of who I am: I am
too Chinese to be American, I am too American to be Chinese, I seem too old to
play young, and I am too young to play old. I never got the roles I wanted
because…well, because I wanted the Caucasian ingénue roles, and let’s face it –
I’m never going to be the pretty blonde romantic lead. Each disappointment
broke a bit of my heart, and with each rejection I felt suffocated by the
things about me I could not change. I fought anyway, pushed harder, and dug
deeper. What I didn’t realize was that every time I came toe to toe with who I
was NOT, it revealed to me a little bit of who I really AM – beyond what I
looked like or what I could play, clarifying what I’m made of and what I’m
capable of – it fed my hunger and nurtured my soul. I resented these obstacles
– this “Otherness” – when all along it was my meeting them that would awaken me
to my true Self. The Self that, at last, came into focus as I let go of the
last threads of expectation behind that Office Manager desk. And in the space
that opened up…came “Wild Swans”, came “Chinglish”, and the joy of fully
realizing the person I CAN be.
***favorite moment of the day: meeting my "Chinglish" family.
