A MAN NAMED SAM
(written 1/30/07)
a tick of the clock
the burn of a shot
today is yesterday is today is tomorrow
me and time
we ain't what we used to be
when did it happen
when did I slip back
polluted and detached
alone in a sea of lonely people I can't see
I see my cell phone
I see my laptop
I see my iPod
I see the profile pictures I call friends
but I can't remember the sounds
I can't remember the touch
Then -
a man behind the counter - a man named Sam
he talked to the air
he talked and talked until I listened
he talked and talked and talkd until I started to talk back
"There is an island in Japan," he said, "where people live over 100 years old. 80 years old the old man still pushes cart full of dirt and rocks up the mountain. No machines - just man power. Energy from within. Internal. There is no pollution and everything they eat is fresh. Catch fish fresh. Grow rice and eat it. They have no body fat on their body. People do studies but there is no fat on their bodies. And they're happy. They just live their lives, raise their families. That's how come they live so long. Love is being, not doing."
he says all this in one breath as if he's been waiting for someone to hear
for someone to recognize his humanity beyond taking orders for Thai food behind the counter
and it was a moment
LOVE IS BEING NOT DOING
a moment just like any other moment is a moment is a moment is a moment
LOVE IS BEING NOT DOING
except the world opened up
and my mind was blown
by the ordinariness of two strangers in a room exchanging words
and how much it meant to me
a palpable expansion of matter and space
bursting invisible boundries with our grace
oh the humanity
ah the beautiful humanity
the burn of a shot
today is yesterday is today is tomorrow
me and time
we ain't what we used to be
when did it happen
when did I slip back
polluted and detached
alone in a sea of lonely people I can't see
I see my cell phone
I see my laptop
I see my iPod
I see the profile pictures I call friends
but I can't remember the sounds
I can't remember the touch
Then -
a man behind the counter - a man named Sam
he talked to the air
he talked and talked until I listened
he talked and talked and talkd until I started to talk back
"There is an island in Japan," he said, "where people live over 100 years old. 80 years old the old man still pushes cart full of dirt and rocks up the mountain. No machines - just man power. Energy from within. Internal. There is no pollution and everything they eat is fresh. Catch fish fresh. Grow rice and eat it. They have no body fat on their body. People do studies but there is no fat on their bodies. And they're happy. They just live their lives, raise their families. That's how come they live so long. Love is being, not doing."
he says all this in one breath as if he's been waiting for someone to hear
for someone to recognize his humanity beyond taking orders for Thai food behind the counter
and it was a moment
LOVE IS BEING NOT DOING
a moment just like any other moment is a moment is a moment is a moment
LOVE IS BEING NOT DOING
except the world opened up
and my mind was blown
by the ordinariness of two strangers in a room exchanging words
and how much it meant to me
a palpable expansion of matter and space
bursting invisible boundries with our grace
oh the humanity
ah the beautiful humanity
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AS THE CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT
(written 1/9/07)
ENTER your art
as a place as a space
of MYSTERY
with respect, humility, and courage
DO YOUR BEST
give in - give over - and LET GO
your freedom will soar
on the wings of passionate fear
into FLIGHT - into LIGHT
there is no light without the dark
there is can be no courage without your fear
release into the unknown to find yourself
WE ARE ALL A LITTLE MAD HERE
as a place as a space
of MYSTERY
with respect, humility, and courage
DO YOUR BEST
give in - give over - and LET GO
your freedom will soar
on the wings of passionate fear
into FLIGHT - into LIGHT
there is no light without the dark
there is can be no courage without your fear
release into the unknown to find yourself
WE ARE ALL A LITTLE MAD HERE
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WAKING
(written 10/7/06)
drifting out of slumber
awakening - barely - eyes so heavy
but I see
peeking between the blinds - glory
pink and purple and orange and red
colors aching my soul and my heart
awakened - remembering - eyes drowning
SUNRISE
oh sunrise
oh sunrise
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INFECTED
(written 7/17/06)
out of this - out of this moment
the world pops in
and I am itching beneath this skin
lost AGAIN - aimless - restless
no rhyme no reason
just a familiar season of fury
whose force always catches me by surprise
I am enflamed with the hunger
to FIGHT and FUCK
YOU
ME
THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD
no rhyme no reason
only when it occurs to me to ask
"WHY THE FUCK?"
"HOW THE FUCK?"
and "WHAT THE FUCK?"
a silent seething sentiment
and the screams remain trapped
behind locked jaws until I can
WILL away the fear
for the sake of SANITY I squeeeeezzzeee
the colors of anxiety and doubt
between my fists
until they blend together into the shade of what tomorrow holds
UNTIL
UNTIL
UNTIL
the body lies here still and waiting
but my mind is
shaking shaking shaking
and NOthing is REal
I want to run down the street naked
dancing
to prove
NOthing is REal
HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FFFFEEEEEELLLLL?????
about all this???????
when
NOthing is REal?????????
One moment to the next the whole world changes
and the shift aches beneath my throat
what am i suppose to do?
it is too stupid to cry and too crazy to laugh.
I want MMMOOORREEE
is that wrong?
I have lost my sight.
I may have lost my mind tonight.
may it be there when I wake.
the world pops in
and I am itching beneath this skin
lost AGAIN - aimless - restless
no rhyme no reason
just a familiar season of fury
whose force always catches me by surprise
I am enflamed with the hunger
to FIGHT and FUCK
YOU
ME
THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD
no rhyme no reason
only when it occurs to me to ask
"WHY THE FUCK?"
"HOW THE FUCK?"
and "WHAT THE FUCK?"
a silent seething sentiment
and the screams remain trapped
behind locked jaws until I can
WILL away the fear
for the sake of SANITY I squeeeeezzzeee
the colors of anxiety and doubt
between my fists
until they blend together into the shade of what tomorrow holds
UNTIL
UNTIL
UNTIL
the body lies here still and waiting
but my mind is
shaking shaking shaking
and NOthing is REal
I want to run down the street naked
dancing
to prove
NOthing is REal
HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FFFFEEEEEELLLLL?????
about all this???????
when
NOthing is REal?????????
One moment to the next the whole world changes
and the shift aches beneath my throat
what am i suppose to do?
it is too stupid to cry and too crazy to laugh.
I want MMMOOORREEE
is that wrong?
I have lost my sight.
I may have lost my mind tonight.
may it be there when I wake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MISSING
(written 4/25/06, Tucson, AZ)
I always thought it clever or deep to ask "which love do you prefer?"
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU
or
I'D DO FINE WITHOUT YOU BUT I'D RATHER SPEND LIFE WITH YOU
As if there was a choice - as if the two could exist independent of one another.
A solid proof that no amount of naive intellect, studies, talent, or instinct can substitute for experience.
Oh how I crave experience - it will surely be the downfall of me.
This missing him hurts so bad - it would be easier if it were utterly debilitating.
Then I could throw all cares out the window and wallow in my own misery.
Dramatic - yes.
Realistic - no.
It is instead infinitely subtle - therefore constant and deep and ever surprising.
To the point where I myself was unaware of the difference:
me without him - me with him.
Until I had him in my arms a little while again.
Astonishing - the little light that brightens up within when love is by my side and we are in each other's eyes.
Astonishing as well - my face's inability to form a smile when the tears begin to ache in my throat at our goodbyes.
I think now - maybe to know him completely and still love him with all my heart - to love BECAUSE of and INSPITE of all we are - is a rare gift indeed.
This missing him hurts so very bad - so bad it feels good.
My wicked imagination seeks for tragedy in happiness -
My hungry soul feeds on pain in periods of peace -
My addiction to life will never settle for contentment without turmoil.
Is that as fucked up as it sounds? Maybe I'm just premenstrual...
5 more days til I go home to my love...
1 comment:
Oh. 'A Man Named Sam' gave me chills. And the last one? It is EXACTLY how I feel right now. Beautiful.
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