Giving It All I've Got

I have spent the last 7 years out of school trying to figure out how to be a working actor. The acting part I felt kinda solid about…it was the working part that I couldn’t figure out.

Like any muscle that doesn’t get used, I often feel my acting muscle atrophying. Especially during periods of financial distress (like, say, oh for the last THREE YEARS), I get so wrapped up in anxiety and the pursuit of money that it completely overwhelms my perspective on who I am, what I want…and what I really truly need. Thankfully this past July I lucked into a full-time day job – the first “real” non-freelance office job I’d ever held. Sure, part of me felt like I was pissing all over the tiny flame of freedom I’d fought so hard to hold on to, but a bigger part of me just wanted the peace of mind that comes with routine and (financial) stability. So I took it and the 2.5 hrs of commuting in traffic everyday that it came with. I bitched and moaned, road-raged myself silly, but ultimately came back to the realization that whatever emotions this day job experience was bringing up in me – how I react to it and what I do with it is MY CHOICE (thanks yoga teachings!).

I started paying attention to myself. Somewhere in all the anxiety I’d put myself to the side, and lost contact with the discipline and focus I’d developed as an actor. The routine (and somewhat mindlessness) of my job turned out to be the perfect foundation for the work I needed to do on myself to get myself back in physical and mental shape. Even the cursed traffic was a blessing – inspiring me to go to yoga class after work in order to avoid it. By mid-October I was feeling pretty damn good. I’d even started auditioning for plays again for the first time in over a year. I didn’t get cast, but on those days of audition, I understood for the first time what people meant when they said “it’s 5-10 minutes of your day when you get to act instead of do whatever other mundane things you have to do.” I finally FELT the truth of that statement and learned to love auditioning on a whole new level.

I was trolling actorsaccess at work one day and saw a breakdown for a play called WILD SWANS. My heart skipped a beat – it’s a rare occasion when I see a breakdown calling for strong Chinese females in main character roles for a production of this large a magnitude. I submitted myself online, but for the first time I also asked my agent to find the NY casting director in charge of US casting and pitch the hell out of me to her. That’s how excited I was. I was told to send in a taped audition and warned that if I were to get a callback I’d have to fly to NYC on my own dime. I didn’t hesitate for a second. Per usual, I felt not bad about my taped audition – not great, but not bad. I’d been having this opinion about my work for quite some time, so I was genuinely surprised to get a callback. I kicked my renewed discipline and focus into high gear and prepared to attack this with all my might. I wanted this badly, and gave into the wanting without the measure of self-protecting holding-back that I’d developed out of fear and doubt.

I put all my training and experience to the test on this callback trip. Not just the years spent in school, but everything I’ve learned since graduation about how to take myself and treat myself seriously as an actor. The comfortability in who I am and trust in what I bring to the table could only have been earned through these last years of life struggles bouncing between small creative victories and long artistic droughts. I drew on all of it – all of me – and laid it down. From details like making sure I knew the bios of everyone who was going to be in the audition room to giving myself enough time to get there early, to the big things like doing a full vocal+physical warm up, working the material 5 different ways, and being fully present and at ease at the callback – it all gave me a taste of what it would be like to be a working actor, because I realized the “working” is in the preparation. The “working” allowed me to let go and play – to enjoy my minutes of acting that day – and to walk out of that callback really and truly proud of what I’d done. Not just in my acting, but in the fact that I really let myself go after what I wanted and gave it my BEST shot. The joy I felt on the streets of NYC that day was deep and true – and had NOTHING to do with whether I thought I got the role or not – because it was the joy of realization and reclamation: all I have to do to be a working actor is to keep working for what I want.

I did get the role…and I’m not ashamed to say I teared up when I got the offer. I quit my day job and am dedicated to WILD SWANS for the next 6 months – away from home in London and Boston giving it all I’ve got. 

***favorite moment of the day: video-chatting in bed with Chad.